It was very crowded and everyone was running around. There were people from the media, press, T.V. and some activists I guess, they were holding banners. I felt and looked Lost. I have never been to such gatherings before and it was all a bit strange to me.
I made sure that I have the letter with me, I reminded myself of what I was doing here, took a deep breath and went over to the guy next to me " law sma7t kont 3yza 2a2bel el ostaz Nasser Thabet..2al2eh fen?" The guy looked at me in surprise and he answered with sarcasm " Ostaz Naser haytla3 ye2ol elbayan el so7afy dlw2ty..te2dary tetfadly w ted7'oly tesm3eeh" and he left.
I really needed to talk to him.. I had to give him the letter..I promised my aunt. Everyone was running around and I didn’t know what to do so I thought maybe I should attend the press conference and then try to meet him after.
I went into the room full of people..they looked like they were from all backgrounds. Some of them looked very elegant and made up and others looked very simple and there were some foreigners. Some faces looked familiar but I wasn’t into politics much so didn't recognize most of the people.
And then He came out and stood on the podium. Almost instantly everyone went quiet..there was Something about him..definetly!
He took the stage and it was like he filled the room with his energy. He had a certain Charisma and confidence that was radiant. He started talking and everyone listened.
He talked with such passion about the people, the country, poverty, democracy and things that I didn't quite get. He made a joke everyone laughed and when he frowned it seemed that everyone felt the pain of his words. He worked the audience like a magician and they were all in awe including me. I wondered whether my aunt really fell in love with him and I wondered how he was in his twenties.
After the press conference, it seemed that everyone wanted to talk to him and the press was all over him. All I wanted to do is just hand him the letter.
I waited for almost an hour in the corner looking around at all the different people. It was clear I didn’t belong here, I thought of leaving and maybe just mail it to him but my aunt asked me to give it to him by hand.
After almost two hours he went and sat in a chair surrounded by only two or three people who could have been some of his supporters and he talked so loudly that I almost heard him repeating parts of his speech as I approached.
My heart pounded as I came closer..there was something about this man that made me very nervous..good nervous if there's such a thing!
"Ostaz Nasser" I called..he turned his head looked at me and He gave me the Most amazing smile I have ever seen..I was enchanted.."away ana" he said
I explained that I wanted to talk to him in private about something of vital importance while avoiding looking at his big blue eyes.
The man was in his fifties and he had white hair and blue eyes and was extremely charming even for a girl in her twenties!
He came with me even though he looked a bit skeptic..we sat together in a corner and he insisted to buy me something to drink..and the he asked "2oleley..3yzany fe eh b2a?"
I stuttered as I tried to explain the situation and tried to remind him of my aunt which wasn't easy especially that I know nothing of the details of their relation. But once I said her name his face elated and he said" yaaaaaaaaaaaaah..hya 3mla eh dlw2ty?" and he gave me one of his endearing smiles "tesda2y feeky shabah kbeer mnha...bs hya b2a kanet thawrgya 3nek"
"allah yer7mha" I said " she passed away recently and before she died she gave me this letter and asked me to make sure that its handed to you personally"
His face was turned from a smiling one to stunned and then to deep sadness and concern..I don't know exactly what they had but the news of her death seemed to really sadden him
"Was she sick?" he asked "Yes, she has been struggling with cancer for years" I answered with a sad voice. He took the letter and looked at it for a couple of minutes and looked at me. I assured him that no one knows the content of the letter as she made me promise that no one would open it but him.
When I was about to leave..he asked me to stay while he read the letter..he said having someone who reminded him so much of her may make it easier.
He opened the letter and started reading it with his face giving all kinds of expressions. At a moment he almost laughed and then he frowned and at the end I thought I saw a tear in his eyes.
He looked at me with rather teary eyes and suddenly he was no longer the fifty year old charismatic man..he was the charming twenty something year old dreamer who must have known my aunt back then. He took my hand and said "I never told you..err..your aunt how a beautiful woman she really is..err..was"
I was touched but before I had the chance to say anything someone came to us..i think maybe his son and looked at us holding hands with surprise. That’s when ostaz Nasser left my hand and awkwardly introduced us. I took my bag and told him that I had to go..as I was leaving he called my aunts name so I looked back and he said "Thank you" with the most amazing smile anyone can ever see.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
الخيط الرفيع
She was shiny and men like shiny things.
She was beaming..something about her..star quality..an urge..irresistible urge he just had to have her..msh 3aref have as in eh exactly bas he had to HAVE her!
He tried..worked hard..bore his heart out..insisted..showed persistence and perseverance..swore he was different..showed that he was different and then swore some more
She was shiny..independent..confident..interesting..different..she didn't need him!
And he needed to have her..like all men he loves shiny things
Gradually she started to loose her brightness..like a candle coming to an end or a gas bulb running out of what fueled it..she was running out of life
She turned out to be just as needy and as clingy..bored him..no longer the one that stands out with the beautiful dress and the admirable laugh..she became..so..ordinary!
She became dependent and weak..her misery made her weak and weak to him is pathetic!
Ordinary to him is dull..and dull to him is unwanted and he just had to get rid of her!
7'alas she no longer shines..and he is only interested in shiny things
"من الصعب أن نتبين الخيط الرفيع الذي يفصل بين الحب وغريزة التملك ، فإن الحب مقرون دائمًا بحب التملك فكل من يحب يتمنى أن يمتلك من يحب ، وقد تتحقق أمنيته ، فتكتمل له عناصر الحب ، فإذا لم تتحقق يبقى الحب ناقصًا أحد عناصره ، ولكنه يبقى . . فالتملك عنصر من عناصر الحب . . لكن الحب ليس دائمًا عنصرًا من عناصر التملك ، فإنك تستطيع أن تمتلك دون أن تحب . . كل ما هنالك أن غريزة التملك قد تشتد بك ، وتعصف بنفسيتك حتى يخيل إليك أنك تحب ! وهذا هو الخيط الرفيع" ! ! إحسان عبد القدوس
She was beaming..something about her..star quality..an urge..irresistible urge he just had to have her..msh 3aref have as in eh exactly bas he had to HAVE her!
He tried..worked hard..bore his heart out..insisted..showed persistence and perseverance..swore he was different..showed that he was different and then swore some more
She was shiny..independent..confident..interesting..different..she didn't need him!
And he needed to have her..like all men he loves shiny things
Gradually she started to loose her brightness..like a candle coming to an end or a gas bulb running out of what fueled it..she was running out of life
She turned out to be just as needy and as clingy..bored him..no longer the one that stands out with the beautiful dress and the admirable laugh..she became..so..ordinary!
She became dependent and weak..her misery made her weak and weak to him is pathetic!
Ordinary to him is dull..and dull to him is unwanted and he just had to get rid of her!
7'alas she no longer shines..and he is only interested in shiny things
"من الصعب أن نتبين الخيط الرفيع الذي يفصل بين الحب وغريزة التملك ، فإن الحب مقرون دائمًا بحب التملك فكل من يحب يتمنى أن يمتلك من يحب ، وقد تتحقق أمنيته ، فتكتمل له عناصر الحب ، فإذا لم تتحقق يبقى الحب ناقصًا أحد عناصره ، ولكنه يبقى . . فالتملك عنصر من عناصر الحب . . لكن الحب ليس دائمًا عنصرًا من عناصر التملك ، فإنك تستطيع أن تمتلك دون أن تحب . . كل ما هنالك أن غريزة التملك قد تشتد بك ، وتعصف بنفسيتك حتى يخيل إليك أنك تحب ! وهذا هو الخيط الرفيع" ! ! إحسان عبد القدوس
Friday, October 22, 2010
Make Me Beautiful
No wonder people spend thousands of pounds, undergo treacherous procedures, and endure unbearable pain just to be beautiful; to fit into the rigorous standards of beauty. This is far from vain or shallow or whatever judgmental analysis the so called "smart" people would tell you while they themselves wish for more beauty.
It’s a power play
You tell me what is power has to do with anything?! I tell you Beauty is Power
Smart is power..beauty is power..being smart And beautiful..well, you do the math
And its all about power! Power is addictive..it is intoxicating. .to be seen rather than feeling invisible most of the time..to enter a room filled with people and find all eyes on you..to see them hanging on your every word..to know that they know that you are different..that they hold you in a higher place..to see admiration in their eyes..that you are not like them..you are better..you are far more beautiful and beauty has to be worshiped..beauty is sacred in all cultures and all languages.beauty has to be served, protected and cared for
When people listen to you..when they are interested when you see and feel your influence on them instantly..whether they fear you or respect you or love you or just feel that they have to without a reason
Beauty is power
She knows that quite well..everytime she looks in the mirror..how she carefully chooses her clothes or spends most of her money on her hair and makeup or watches what she eats..its because she knows she needs this power..the power of beauty..
She read once about a stripper who loved her job because she felt her power on men firsthand and she got addicted to seeing them hanging on her every move while she is feeling extremely empowered..
She needs people to listen..and they listen more to a pretty mouth painted red..she needs them to see and they'd rather look to a pretty face..the click of her heel makes them know she is definitely there..the smell of her perfume fills their senses and validates her existence..
Humans are vain..beauty is power..she needs that..let her "smart" friends say whatever they want about her superficiality! She takes a last long look at the mirror..and off she goes!
It’s a power play
You tell me what is power has to do with anything?! I tell you Beauty is Power
Smart is power..beauty is power..being smart And beautiful..well, you do the math
And its all about power! Power is addictive..it is intoxicating. .to be seen rather than feeling invisible most of the time..to enter a room filled with people and find all eyes on you..to see them hanging on your every word..to know that they know that you are different..that they hold you in a higher place..to see admiration in their eyes..that you are not like them..you are better..you are far more beautiful and beauty has to be worshiped..beauty is sacred in all cultures and all languages.beauty has to be served, protected and cared for
When people listen to you..when they are interested when you see and feel your influence on them instantly..whether they fear you or respect you or love you or just feel that they have to without a reason
Beauty is power
She knows that quite well..everytime she looks in the mirror..how she carefully chooses her clothes or spends most of her money on her hair and makeup or watches what she eats..its because she knows she needs this power..the power of beauty..
She read once about a stripper who loved her job because she felt her power on men firsthand and she got addicted to seeing them hanging on her every move while she is feeling extremely empowered..
She needs people to listen..and they listen more to a pretty mouth painted red..she needs them to see and they'd rather look to a pretty face..the click of her heel makes them know she is definitely there..the smell of her perfume fills their senses and validates her existence..
Humans are vain..beauty is power..she needs that..let her "smart" friends say whatever they want about her superficiality! She takes a last long look at the mirror..and off she goes!
Friday, October 8, 2010
When love is no longer blind...
When love is no longer blind and you can finally see..its shocking really!
You suddenly notice things that were there all long but you were too blind to realize that he is:
Too short
A poor dresser
I never really liked his taste in anything..idnt think he ever had a taste to begin with
He's too thin
Too fat
Too ugly
Too pretty for me
I never really liked his glasses
I hated his phone
I hated his house
I hated his car
I hated his hangouts
I hated his friends
I hate his hair
He never answered
He called too much
He didn't give me my space
He gave me too much space
He freaked out
He freaked Me out
He wore the same shoes almost everytime we went out!
He changed his shoes more than I did!
He was too immaculate when it comes to his clothes
He wasn't presentable
He was too organized
He was chaotic
He asked too many questions
He never asked me about my day!
He was too smart
He wasn't smart enough
He never got me
He knew me too well
I liked him too much
I didn't like him enough
He was too loud
He was cold
He was distant
He was too hot headed and he had a temper
He cheated
He kept looking at other women
He was too fixated on me
He was Never honest
He was brutally honest
He was too tall
He thought I was fat
He wanted me to gain more weight
He thought I wasn't smart
He thought I was too smart
He thought I was too short
"if only I were a bit shorter" he used to say
He thought I was too conservative
He thought I was too liberal
He hated my friends
He wished I was more like my friends
He never even met my friends!
He was too kind
He was too sweet
He was too detached
He was too unpredictable
He was SO predictable
And the list goes on…
Bottom line..suddenly he is stripped down to..just a guy and just a guy is not good enough!
You suddenly notice things that were there all long but you were too blind to realize that he is:
Too short
A poor dresser
I never really liked his taste in anything..idnt think he ever had a taste to begin with
He's too thin
Too fat
Too ugly
Too pretty for me
I never really liked his glasses
I hated his phone
I hated his house
I hated his car
I hated his hangouts
I hated his friends
I hate his hair
He never answered
He called too much
He didn't give me my space
He gave me too much space
He freaked out
He freaked Me out
He wore the same shoes almost everytime we went out!
He changed his shoes more than I did!
He was too immaculate when it comes to his clothes
He wasn't presentable
He was too organized
He was chaotic
He asked too many questions
He never asked me about my day!
He was too smart
He wasn't smart enough
He never got me
He knew me too well
I liked him too much
I didn't like him enough
He was too loud
He was cold
He was distant
He was too hot headed and he had a temper
He cheated
He kept looking at other women
He was too fixated on me
He was Never honest
He was brutally honest
He was too tall
He thought I was fat
He wanted me to gain more weight
He thought I wasn't smart
He thought I was too smart
He thought I was too short
"if only I were a bit shorter" he used to say
He thought I was too conservative
He thought I was too liberal
He hated my friends
He wished I was more like my friends
He never even met my friends!
He was too kind
He was too sweet
He was too detached
He was too unpredictable
He was SO predictable
And the list goes on…
Bottom line..suddenly he is stripped down to..just a guy and just a guy is not good enough!
Friday, October 1, 2010
Cruelty is not a crime..boredom is
(A girl enters..lights off..complete darkness..only spot light on her..she sits down and talks directly to the audience)
You will never understand…
I know he doesn’t love me
But who needs love when you get excitement! When you don’t have a guy that will BORE you absolutely out of your head with his ridiculous stories about which car he prefers or his tedious day to day experiences
Who needs love when you get a man who can take you out of this hideous world..who gives meaning to your insignificant life..who is truly interesting
Who needs love when you get witty conversations..intelligent dialogue..mutual understanding and smooth communication
Who needs love when you get adventure..when are around a free spirit..when it seems like the secrets of life unfold whenever you are both present in a room
Who needs love when you've got passion..when you've got desire..when you've got thrill
Well I most certainly don't!
I know he sleeps around
Why do I care?! Most of the men if not all of them who are in relationships cheat..at least his honest about it..at least I know and approve of it and not a complete fool like others..maybe even in this room
A monogamous relationship is a naïve dream of a fairy tale of a school girl..a false fact that we've been raised to believe in just to grow up and grow out of it like most of our teenage beliefs
I know we will Never get married
Well I stopped believing in marriage a while ago..a social obligation that doesn't agree with me just like fancy dinner parties..pretentious and not genuine where everyone acts as if they are happy while in fact of course they are not!
See I don't really envy married people..in fact I pitty them..chained and helpless
How so boring and unlively..how so unnatural to decide on staying with someone for life..its more of a prison..never really understood weddings either..what is there to celebrate anyway..all the expenses and the fuss and for what?!
My friends think I am crazy or that he is some sort of a self-destructive habit I have
Maybe its true..but we all have our destructive habits and guilty pleasures that we fall entirely in love with..some of us eat..others smoke or drink or indulge in sex or who knows what?!
I have him!
Don't you think I haven't tried to do it "your" way..to date and engage in serious relationships with the various men that have been wholeheartedly "recommended" for me?!
Ohh I tried..I tried SO hard..but if I lived with one of those "safe" guys I could DIE! Die of boredom..they could suck the life right out of me with their monotonous voice and their righteous attitude and their one dimensional view of everything..of LIFE!
Its grey..life with these men..a Pale shade of grey!
"Cruelty is not a crime..boredom is"
Heard it once in a movie..a woman said it..a writer who had been in a relationship with her lover for years and never got married..trying to explain it to her narrow minded friend..who never understood just like you will never do..But I did and I relate!
(te2om mn 3la el korsy fag2a be3asbya mobala3' feha ledrget en el korsy yo2a3 w tez3a2)
W B3DEN WENTO MALKO ASLAN?!!!!!! Ma3ml ely ana 3yza f 7yaty?!!! Beted7'lo leh?!!! (teshwa7 be 2edeha) 3ashan sa3dty maslan ( w ted7ak be so7'rya)
LA2!!! Mesh 7a2e2y..ento mayhmkoosh ab2a sa3eeda wla la2..ento bas 3yzny a3ml zayko w 7'alas..you want me to conform..3shan lma betla2o 7ad bey3ml 7aga mo7'talefa betatro tes2lo nafsko!!! And NOOOO you don't want that..you would never want to question your values or beliefs..this is too scary for you!!!
And who said I am not happy?! I admit there comes a time when I cry endlessly and I feel like the world is crashing down one me when he decides to disappear for monthes..but it all vanishes when I see him..But you will never get it..
I told you..you will never ever understand…
Lights out
You will never understand…
I know he doesn’t love me
But who needs love when you get excitement! When you don’t have a guy that will BORE you absolutely out of your head with his ridiculous stories about which car he prefers or his tedious day to day experiences
Who needs love when you get a man who can take you out of this hideous world..who gives meaning to your insignificant life..who is truly interesting
Who needs love when you get witty conversations..intelligent dialogue..mutual understanding and smooth communication
Who needs love when you get adventure..when are around a free spirit..when it seems like the secrets of life unfold whenever you are both present in a room
Who needs love when you've got passion..when you've got desire..when you've got thrill
Well I most certainly don't!
I know he sleeps around
Why do I care?! Most of the men if not all of them who are in relationships cheat..at least his honest about it..at least I know and approve of it and not a complete fool like others..maybe even in this room
A monogamous relationship is a naïve dream of a fairy tale of a school girl..a false fact that we've been raised to believe in just to grow up and grow out of it like most of our teenage beliefs
I know we will Never get married
Well I stopped believing in marriage a while ago..a social obligation that doesn't agree with me just like fancy dinner parties..pretentious and not genuine where everyone acts as if they are happy while in fact of course they are not!
See I don't really envy married people..in fact I pitty them..chained and helpless
How so boring and unlively..how so unnatural to decide on staying with someone for life..its more of a prison..never really understood weddings either..what is there to celebrate anyway..all the expenses and the fuss and for what?!
My friends think I am crazy or that he is some sort of a self-destructive habit I have
Maybe its true..but we all have our destructive habits and guilty pleasures that we fall entirely in love with..some of us eat..others smoke or drink or indulge in sex or who knows what?!
I have him!
Don't you think I haven't tried to do it "your" way..to date and engage in serious relationships with the various men that have been wholeheartedly "recommended" for me?!
Ohh I tried..I tried SO hard..but if I lived with one of those "safe" guys I could DIE! Die of boredom..they could suck the life right out of me with their monotonous voice and their righteous attitude and their one dimensional view of everything..of LIFE!
Its grey..life with these men..a Pale shade of grey!
"Cruelty is not a crime..boredom is"
Heard it once in a movie..a woman said it..a writer who had been in a relationship with her lover for years and never got married..trying to explain it to her narrow minded friend..who never understood just like you will never do..But I did and I relate!
(te2om mn 3la el korsy fag2a be3asbya mobala3' feha ledrget en el korsy yo2a3 w tez3a2)
W B3DEN WENTO MALKO ASLAN?!!!!!! Ma3ml ely ana 3yza f 7yaty?!!! Beted7'lo leh?!!! (teshwa7 be 2edeha) 3ashan sa3dty maslan ( w ted7ak be so7'rya)
LA2!!! Mesh 7a2e2y..ento mayhmkoosh ab2a sa3eeda wla la2..ento bas 3yzny a3ml zayko w 7'alas..you want me to conform..3shan lma betla2o 7ad bey3ml 7aga mo7'talefa betatro tes2lo nafsko!!! And NOOOO you don't want that..you would never want to question your values or beliefs..this is too scary for you!!!
And who said I am not happy?! I admit there comes a time when I cry endlessly and I feel like the world is crashing down one me when he decides to disappear for monthes..but it all vanishes when I see him..But you will never get it..
I told you..you will never ever understand…
Lights out
Saturday, September 25, 2010
The Falafel man and the working woman
She is looking for her watch..she has to find her watch..she wears it everyday to work and she cant get out of the door without it..without her watch she looses the sense of time and she can’t afford to do that! Time is of the essence..time is everything..time is life! She heard before of a native American tribe that never really knew what time is!!! She has always wondered how they organized their lives..the notion seemed unbelievable..she hurried out of the building while wearing her watch and went right past the falafel man.
The Falafel man
“She is man!” Thought the falafel man as he was cleaning his kiosk! How and why on earth would a woman wake up this early everyday for years to work..not missing a day?! She started looking and walking like a man too..I mean look at her..he watched her transformation everyday over the years from a made up girl with heels and a sharp look..head held up high..every step seemed to be calculated..wearing dresses and skirts looking as a dream as 50’s women used to look like with hair all made up.. to this! Flat shoes..her hair all around the place..big shirts and tired tired eyes! And yet she never seemed to be tired just ever so..manly! He looked at her eyes for a second as he looked away he thought “she must be a man”!
The working woman
When the falafel guy looked at her this morning something was different! Not that he harassed her with his morning looks that she grew accustomed to on the contrary he looked at her in a different way..almost indifferent! She didn’t really get it but she found herself automatically checking herself out to see if something looks weird..she looked at her ugly shoes..never really liked them but they are comfy..just what she needs as she chases around taxis when her car breaks down (which usually happens) like today! Her brother wrecked it..again as usual!
She had a smile on her face as she adjusted her bun remembering that a year ago she would have never thought she would be going out of the house with a bun..a big shapeless shirt and ugly shoes! But good luck going to the coiffeur when u have a 9 to 5 job (that u barely leave at 5) where u have to compete fiercely to prove that you are Not a “girl” and a postgraduate education to pursue in an environment that is not exactly education friendly to say the least!
Good luck finding time to shop..she’d rather sleep! She laughed at that thought remembering how she used to feel like she’d kill to get a pair of shoes she liked just a couple of years ago..she smiled and looked across the street..her reflection in a car mirror stopped her..she almost didn’t recognize it! No these weren’t 10 years of age that did this to her..only 5 years on the job and in this city!
The Falafel man
“She is man!” Thought the falafel man as he was cleaning his kiosk! How and why on earth would a woman wake up this early everyday for years to work..not missing a day?! She started looking and walking like a man too..I mean look at her..he watched her transformation everyday over the years from a made up girl with heels and a sharp look..head held up high..every step seemed to be calculated..wearing dresses and skirts looking as a dream as 50’s women used to look like with hair all made up.. to this! Flat shoes..her hair all around the place..big shirts and tired tired eyes! And yet she never seemed to be tired just ever so..manly! He looked at her eyes for a second as he looked away he thought “she must be a man”!
The working woman
When the falafel guy looked at her this morning something was different! Not that he harassed her with his morning looks that she grew accustomed to on the contrary he looked at her in a different way..almost indifferent! She didn’t really get it but she found herself automatically checking herself out to see if something looks weird..she looked at her ugly shoes..never really liked them but they are comfy..just what she needs as she chases around taxis when her car breaks down (which usually happens) like today! Her brother wrecked it..again as usual!
She had a smile on her face as she adjusted her bun remembering that a year ago she would have never thought she would be going out of the house with a bun..a big shapeless shirt and ugly shoes! But good luck going to the coiffeur when u have a 9 to 5 job (that u barely leave at 5) where u have to compete fiercely to prove that you are Not a “girl” and a postgraduate education to pursue in an environment that is not exactly education friendly to say the least!
Good luck finding time to shop..she’d rather sleep! She laughed at that thought remembering how she used to feel like she’d kill to get a pair of shoes she liked just a couple of years ago..she smiled and looked across the street..her reflection in a car mirror stopped her..she almost didn’t recognize it! No these weren’t 10 years of age that did this to her..only 5 years on the job and in this city!
A fat ugly bitch
"A fat ugly bitch"..I wrote in a piece of paper as I looked in the mirror..thats what I honestly really thought of myself..no exaggeration here
Of course that wasn’t what I told the reporter when he asked me whether or not I am satisfied with what I have accomplished so far..at that point I assured him that I am..I am blessed in every way
But when I cam home I just knew that I have to face myself somehow and say the truth at least to my own reflection in the mirror..as I looked I saw a fat ugly..and yes bitch!
Why am I so hesitant to admit it..for who is a bitch? someone who sells her body for money..well what about who sells her soul? Her thoughts..her beliefs and convictions..for who ever pays more..for social acceptance..for climbing the social ladder..for whatever reasons deemed necessary..for the body is only the vessel engulfing what's more precious..at least a bitch may get the faint chance to keep her soul intact or even speak her mind..retain her freedom of thought..but I have sold the rights to those long ago
I am a bitch..no doubt about it..what happened earlier this night proves it..as I sat there in the studio interviewing a government official for the pilot of my first show..fulfilling my dream..i knew how it must feel to sell yourself
Its not like I didn't do it before..going through jobs..academic certificates..political affiliations..always had to give a tiny part of myself every time
Its far simpler than you'd think..its not the big life changing choices really..it starts with a smile to a joke you don't really like..then agreeing to an opinion you don't believe in for the sake of courtesy..then you get too tired to fight for your beliefs..convince yourself that maybe they are right and find evidence to prove it..defend an opinion that you don't believe in..then it becomes your whole conviction..you become increasingly pragmatic..focus on the ends instead of means..all of these incremental minor slight sacrifices sneak up on you..believeing that you can go back anytime whenever you want
Till you find yourself in that seat..my seat asking a government official about a huge corruption scandal that you happen to know its every detail and the hear the most naïve justification that’s is entirely false will you shake your head in encouraging agreement and a smile
At that point I felt violated..i felt that I was letting go of myself like I have read that whores do during sex when they sell their bodies to any random man who can afford it..who would stoop that low..and after we finished..the interview..it was gone
I didn't get my soul back..it fleeted..and what remains of me is a reflection in the mirror of a fat ugly bitch who is seemingly to you beautiful successful and well bred!
Of course that wasn’t what I told the reporter when he asked me whether or not I am satisfied with what I have accomplished so far..at that point I assured him that I am..I am blessed in every way
But when I cam home I just knew that I have to face myself somehow and say the truth at least to my own reflection in the mirror..as I looked I saw a fat ugly..and yes bitch!
Why am I so hesitant to admit it..for who is a bitch? someone who sells her body for money..well what about who sells her soul? Her thoughts..her beliefs and convictions..for who ever pays more..for social acceptance..for climbing the social ladder..for whatever reasons deemed necessary..for the body is only the vessel engulfing what's more precious..at least a bitch may get the faint chance to keep her soul intact or even speak her mind..retain her freedom of thought..but I have sold the rights to those long ago
I am a bitch..no doubt about it..what happened earlier this night proves it..as I sat there in the studio interviewing a government official for the pilot of my first show..fulfilling my dream..i knew how it must feel to sell yourself
Its not like I didn't do it before..going through jobs..academic certificates..political affiliations..always had to give a tiny part of myself every time
Its far simpler than you'd think..its not the big life changing choices really..it starts with a smile to a joke you don't really like..then agreeing to an opinion you don't believe in for the sake of courtesy..then you get too tired to fight for your beliefs..convince yourself that maybe they are right and find evidence to prove it..defend an opinion that you don't believe in..then it becomes your whole conviction..you become increasingly pragmatic..focus on the ends instead of means..all of these incremental minor slight sacrifices sneak up on you..believeing that you can go back anytime whenever you want
Till you find yourself in that seat..my seat asking a government official about a huge corruption scandal that you happen to know its every detail and the hear the most naïve justification that’s is entirely false will you shake your head in encouraging agreement and a smile
At that point I felt violated..i felt that I was letting go of myself like I have read that whores do during sex when they sell their bodies to any random man who can afford it..who would stoop that low..and after we finished..the interview..it was gone
I didn't get my soul back..it fleeted..and what remains of me is a reflection in the mirror of a fat ugly bitch who is seemingly to you beautiful successful and well bred!
Sunday, September 19, 2010
I love dysfunctional relationships
"Let him that would move the world, first move himself" Socrates
"Lets be clear on this..I love dysfunctional relationships..they are just so much more..what's the word? Interesting!"
She wrote to her friend jokingly as she was chatting while she kept trying to get long glances of her boss standing at the end of the room without anyone noticing..but she knew she wasn't joking.
He wasn't only her boss..he was everyone's boss..the head of this organization that she has been dying to work for..and no, he is not bold and fat and old, though even if he were she would have still liked him all the same; "he is gorgeous"..she thought as she took another long glance.
He was standing talking very firmly with some of the employees..he is too serious for his age (late twenties)..too smart for his own good..tall, slim, tanned, great light brownish hair that is perfectly cut with deep blue eyes that have the right brows to give them the effect they need..piercing eyes..rarely smiles but when he does..the whole world lights up..shaved to perfection..always smells beautiful..when he passes by her desk she feels she is light headed
But believe it or not that all doesn't matter!!! Its his speeches that drives her crazy..when he speaks of changing the world and making it a better place..giving voice to the voiceless..all this passion..he is really genuine and has heart! She falls in love every time she hears him speak..
She can still remember the interview..she was extremely intimidated.. and he gave her a poker face all through the interview..she thought she wont get the job though she spoke with such enthusiasm and confidence and gave it her best shot..but when she knew she got it..she was thrilled!
One more fact you should know about Nina's boss..is that he is married! She saw his wife once around the office..she seems sweet and pretty but she doesn’t seem to get a word of what he says! Maybe there's more than the eye could see..she thought..imean a man like that he must have married a brain!
She has been utterly distracted by his presence that day at the office as he gave a fiery speech and kept going around her desk all day..ofcourse without even acknowledging her presence..and then suddenly "NINA" he called on her..she panicked for a second..couldn't even reply..he never called for her before..so he shouted even louder "NINA" she looked at him stupidly and he made a gesture for her to come to his office..so she got up and hurried
Don't you dare imagine Nina as a geek with thick glasses and nerdy attitude..well she wasn't..she was beautiful..too pretty to be smart or at least that smart..and guys were of abundance in her life but none of them seemed to interest her at least not like that charming captivating boss of hers..
She got into his office and she found him busy with some papers and then he told her with a cold voice without even looking up "I need you to stay late tonight..we have to finish the proposal for the upcoming project and we both won't to leave till its done..understood?!" he didn't seem to wait for her approval he was just informing her.
She said yes and went back to her desk to start working..she didn't care about the extra hours she'd spend or the fact that she had a date that she would blow off..she was excited that he chose her and that she would spend more time with him..maybe even alone and maybe he'd talk to her!!!
She worked till she felt that her eyes are going to drop..everyone left..one person at a time..till it was only both of them..looking across the room he seemed tireless as if he can go on forever.."he is definitely not human" she thought
She began to worry that he forgot about her..so she finished rereading what she wrote for the fifth time and gathered her courage to disturb him..she went in..this time he looked up..
"Did you finish?" he asked..she handed him the paper as she said yes..he went through it..her heart was beating as if she was waiting for the results of an exam..even then she was more sure of herself..he looked at her and said "that’s actually good" "did you eat anything?" he asked..she shook her head as to say no..she felt like a school girl in the presence of the principal.."then lets go get some dinner" again he wasn't really taking her opinion..
She grabbed her bag and went to meet him at the elevator door..it was all like a dream to her..so overwhelming! They went down to his car and suddenly she found herself with him in the car..alone..off to dinner!!!
He started small talk..she tried so hard not to make a fool of herself..till they went to a restaurant he chose..it was cozy..one of those places that you most definitely wont come across anyone you'd know
"You drink, right?" he asked "sometimes" Nina said.."well this is going to be one of those times" and he smiled..one of those smiles that makes the world light up..Nina's heart sank..ofcourse she couldn’t say no..
He ordered wine for both of them..didn't even bother to ask her what she prefers..she had a couple of sips and gathered enough stamina to say "I loved your speech" it sounded less childish in her head..he smiled again and thanked her..and then they talked and talked..about everything and anything..she loved his views..he was exactly like she imagined and more..and they had so much in common..it was an amazing evening and she felt elated..she has never had this connection with anyone in years..and to her utter surprise it was as if she saw admiration in his eyes..
As he dropped her off he asked "would your family be okay with the fact that you are coming home from work that late?".."I live on my own" she answered with what seemed as a seductive tone.."well..what about your boyfriend or your fiancé?".."I have neither" she answered and laughed playfully..
She couldn't believe herself when she asked him to come up..it was probably the wine..he even said yes! She had nothing in particular in mind..she just wanted to spend more time with him..she didn’t want to let go of the night that may never come back again..
He complemented her taste..mentioned that he liked her apartment and then suddenly took a long look at her and said.."you are beautiful".. she lost all her common senses at the sound of this..it was his eyes..they were captivating..she felt helpless then he leaned forward and kissed her..it was a beautiful kiss but then suddenly..he moved back..looked at her very seriously and said "I am married and I would never leave my wife..infact I love her..we would never have a serious relationship and no one can ever know..you can never have any hope for anything more because we will never have a happy ending..if you are okay with this then fine..if not then I'd better leave now" "I am a good person and I would never want to lead you on" he added..
She was baffled and mesmerized..her seduced mind couldn’t make any sense of all that has been said or digest the moral dilemma..overwhelmed by the evening all she wanted to do is kiss him..so without saying a word..she did
She didn't wake up the next morning freaked out or feeling extremely guilty or crying her eyes out..not at all like anyone would think..she got dressed got to work..saw him and the way he looked at her hasn't changed a bit neither how she looked at him
Nina started staying late more around the office..her friends can't seem to find the time to see her anymore..she's extremely busy..she stopped dating which is driving her best friend's crazy! Every time they try to fix her up with someone she declines for stupid reasons..
Today is a big day at Nina's office..her boss is starting another "change the world" kind of campaign that is gaining international attention..and there's a huge press conference..everyone is running around the office its crazy..she looked from across the room at her impeccable looking boss standing beside his beautiful wife as he was giving yet another one of his inspirational speeches with the same passion..at that particular moment Nina felt that obviously there's something about changing the world that she just couldn't understand..
"Lets be clear on this..I love dysfunctional relationships..they are just so much more..what's the word? Interesting!"
She wrote to her friend jokingly as she was chatting while she kept trying to get long glances of her boss standing at the end of the room without anyone noticing..but she knew she wasn't joking.
He wasn't only her boss..he was everyone's boss..the head of this organization that she has been dying to work for..and no, he is not bold and fat and old, though even if he were she would have still liked him all the same; "he is gorgeous"..she thought as she took another long glance.
He was standing talking very firmly with some of the employees..he is too serious for his age (late twenties)..too smart for his own good..tall, slim, tanned, great light brownish hair that is perfectly cut with deep blue eyes that have the right brows to give them the effect they need..piercing eyes..rarely smiles but when he does..the whole world lights up..shaved to perfection..always smells beautiful..when he passes by her desk she feels she is light headed
But believe it or not that all doesn't matter!!! Its his speeches that drives her crazy..when he speaks of changing the world and making it a better place..giving voice to the voiceless..all this passion..he is really genuine and has heart! She falls in love every time she hears him speak..
She can still remember the interview..she was extremely intimidated.. and he gave her a poker face all through the interview..she thought she wont get the job though she spoke with such enthusiasm and confidence and gave it her best shot..but when she knew she got it..she was thrilled!
One more fact you should know about Nina's boss..is that he is married! She saw his wife once around the office..she seems sweet and pretty but she doesn’t seem to get a word of what he says! Maybe there's more than the eye could see..she thought..imean a man like that he must have married a brain!
She has been utterly distracted by his presence that day at the office as he gave a fiery speech and kept going around her desk all day..ofcourse without even acknowledging her presence..and then suddenly "NINA" he called on her..she panicked for a second..couldn't even reply..he never called for her before..so he shouted even louder "NINA" she looked at him stupidly and he made a gesture for her to come to his office..so she got up and hurried
Don't you dare imagine Nina as a geek with thick glasses and nerdy attitude..well she wasn't..she was beautiful..too pretty to be smart or at least that smart..and guys were of abundance in her life but none of them seemed to interest her at least not like that charming captivating boss of hers..
She got into his office and she found him busy with some papers and then he told her with a cold voice without even looking up "I need you to stay late tonight..we have to finish the proposal for the upcoming project and we both won't to leave till its done..understood?!" he didn't seem to wait for her approval he was just informing her.
She said yes and went back to her desk to start working..she didn't care about the extra hours she'd spend or the fact that she had a date that she would blow off..she was excited that he chose her and that she would spend more time with him..maybe even alone and maybe he'd talk to her!!!
She worked till she felt that her eyes are going to drop..everyone left..one person at a time..till it was only both of them..looking across the room he seemed tireless as if he can go on forever.."he is definitely not human" she thought
She began to worry that he forgot about her..so she finished rereading what she wrote for the fifth time and gathered her courage to disturb him..she went in..this time he looked up..
"Did you finish?" he asked..she handed him the paper as she said yes..he went through it..her heart was beating as if she was waiting for the results of an exam..even then she was more sure of herself..he looked at her and said "that’s actually good" "did you eat anything?" he asked..she shook her head as to say no..she felt like a school girl in the presence of the principal.."then lets go get some dinner" again he wasn't really taking her opinion..
She grabbed her bag and went to meet him at the elevator door..it was all like a dream to her..so overwhelming! They went down to his car and suddenly she found herself with him in the car..alone..off to dinner!!!
He started small talk..she tried so hard not to make a fool of herself..till they went to a restaurant he chose..it was cozy..one of those places that you most definitely wont come across anyone you'd know
"You drink, right?" he asked "sometimes" Nina said.."well this is going to be one of those times" and he smiled..one of those smiles that makes the world light up..Nina's heart sank..ofcourse she couldn’t say no..
He ordered wine for both of them..didn't even bother to ask her what she prefers..she had a couple of sips and gathered enough stamina to say "I loved your speech" it sounded less childish in her head..he smiled again and thanked her..and then they talked and talked..about everything and anything..she loved his views..he was exactly like she imagined and more..and they had so much in common..it was an amazing evening and she felt elated..she has never had this connection with anyone in years..and to her utter surprise it was as if she saw admiration in his eyes..
As he dropped her off he asked "would your family be okay with the fact that you are coming home from work that late?".."I live on my own" she answered with what seemed as a seductive tone.."well..what about your boyfriend or your fiancé?".."I have neither" she answered and laughed playfully..
She couldn't believe herself when she asked him to come up..it was probably the wine..he even said yes! She had nothing in particular in mind..she just wanted to spend more time with him..she didn’t want to let go of the night that may never come back again..
He complemented her taste..mentioned that he liked her apartment and then suddenly took a long look at her and said.."you are beautiful".. she lost all her common senses at the sound of this..it was his eyes..they were captivating..she felt helpless then he leaned forward and kissed her..it was a beautiful kiss but then suddenly..he moved back..looked at her very seriously and said "I am married and I would never leave my wife..infact I love her..we would never have a serious relationship and no one can ever know..you can never have any hope for anything more because we will never have a happy ending..if you are okay with this then fine..if not then I'd better leave now" "I am a good person and I would never want to lead you on" he added..
She was baffled and mesmerized..her seduced mind couldn’t make any sense of all that has been said or digest the moral dilemma..overwhelmed by the evening all she wanted to do is kiss him..so without saying a word..she did
She didn't wake up the next morning freaked out or feeling extremely guilty or crying her eyes out..not at all like anyone would think..she got dressed got to work..saw him and the way he looked at her hasn't changed a bit neither how she looked at him
Nina started staying late more around the office..her friends can't seem to find the time to see her anymore..she's extremely busy..she stopped dating which is driving her best friend's crazy! Every time they try to fix her up with someone she declines for stupid reasons..
Today is a big day at Nina's office..her boss is starting another "change the world" kind of campaign that is gaining international attention..and there's a huge press conference..everyone is running around the office its crazy..she looked from across the room at her impeccable looking boss standing beside his beautiful wife as he was giving yet another one of his inspirational speeches with the same passion..at that particular moment Nina felt that obviously there's something about changing the world that she just couldn't understand..
Saturday, September 18, 2010
I will die tomorrow
I will die tomorrow..it is decided then. It surprised me how easy it was..its as if I am deciding on what to wear tomorrow for work..even that sometimes gets far more confusing. This decision came naturally to me..as if it has already been decided and all I am doing is mere acceptance of the fact that..I will die tomorrow.
To tell you the truth that was the only comforting thought I had all day and only after I took this decision I was able to get some sleep knowing that I wont have to take this pain for long..only till tomorrow.
The plan was simple..I will wake up get dressed go to work and then on my way back pass by a pharmacy, probably the one near my house; and get a pack of antidepressants then go home and take them and sleep..never to wake up..to end this madness once and for all and to find relief and maybe even peace.
Why go to work then?! The thought seemed funny..knowing that I won't be here next week then maybe I should just skip work..but I don't want any dramatic exists..I don't want to break my routine or let anyone suspect anything..I will carry out my day normally and so it was..
I woke up knowing that maybe that’s my last morning and to be honest the thought made me smile..I was never a morning person anyway. I took a few minutes trying to pick what to wear..got dressed and went off to work..I laughed and talked and maybe even had a good day..but while I was working with my colleagues I wondered what they would say when they hear the news tomorrow?! Its amazing how most of the people who I felt concerned about their reactions are very random people or who you can call acquaintances rather than family or close friends…
I didn’t want anyone to blame themselves for my decision..I didn't want anyone to make assumption and speculate reasons..I knew that no one would understand..
On my way back I stood in the pharmacy and asked for a medication I know..they pharmacist looked at me suspiciously for a minute and I was really worried that he would ask me for a prescription which I don't have..so I looked away..then he gave it to me..its as if he didn't care..and why should he?!
I went home..smiled at the door..had dinner with my family..went to my room to change..then sat on the bed looking at the pills with a bottle of water on the side..
Will I go to hell?! Maybe..why? Did I hurt anyone..well this question will lead to a futile discussion with myself that I don't need right now..I can only hope that I don't..how I wish I could just evaporate..vanish in thin air!
I wont leave any notes or apologies or explanations..I don't owe anyone anything! Will my family and friends be hurt? Probably yes but I am hurt too and I can't live for them forever..if they really loved me they would let me go
I was very calm..I wasn't crying..I mean why would I?! I didn't even feel sad or troubled..it seemed like the best decision I have ever made..one that I should have made a long time ago..
To tell you the truth that was the only comforting thought I had all day and only after I took this decision I was able to get some sleep knowing that I wont have to take this pain for long..only till tomorrow.
The plan was simple..I will wake up get dressed go to work and then on my way back pass by a pharmacy, probably the one near my house; and get a pack of antidepressants then go home and take them and sleep..never to wake up..to end this madness once and for all and to find relief and maybe even peace.
Why go to work then?! The thought seemed funny..knowing that I won't be here next week then maybe I should just skip work..but I don't want any dramatic exists..I don't want to break my routine or let anyone suspect anything..I will carry out my day normally and so it was..
I woke up knowing that maybe that’s my last morning and to be honest the thought made me smile..I was never a morning person anyway. I took a few minutes trying to pick what to wear..got dressed and went off to work..I laughed and talked and maybe even had a good day..but while I was working with my colleagues I wondered what they would say when they hear the news tomorrow?! Its amazing how most of the people who I felt concerned about their reactions are very random people or who you can call acquaintances rather than family or close friends…
I didn’t want anyone to blame themselves for my decision..I didn't want anyone to make assumption and speculate reasons..I knew that no one would understand..
On my way back I stood in the pharmacy and asked for a medication I know..they pharmacist looked at me suspiciously for a minute and I was really worried that he would ask me for a prescription which I don't have..so I looked away..then he gave it to me..its as if he didn't care..and why should he?!
I went home..smiled at the door..had dinner with my family..went to my room to change..then sat on the bed looking at the pills with a bottle of water on the side..
Will I go to hell?! Maybe..why? Did I hurt anyone..well this question will lead to a futile discussion with myself that I don't need right now..I can only hope that I don't..how I wish I could just evaporate..vanish in thin air!
I wont leave any notes or apologies or explanations..I don't owe anyone anything! Will my family and friends be hurt? Probably yes but I am hurt too and I can't live for them forever..if they really loved me they would let me go
I was very calm..I wasn't crying..I mean why would I?! I didn't even feel sad or troubled..it seemed like the best decision I have ever made..one that I should have made a long time ago..
The illusionist!
" Do you know what that means if that turned out to be true?!" he asked himself as he opened his eyes at six a.m. which is two hours earlier than the time he is accustomed to wake up for work.
He seemed to be possessed by an idea that controlled his head..he doesn't even know where did it come from or how suddenly it became pressing and crystal clear and scarily probable!
"An idea is like a virus that infects a brain and gets hold of it" he heard that quote in a movie that he couldn’t remember at 6 a.m. but he knew he was infected.
An idea that he read about probably days ago about creationism it was maybe even implicitly stated in the article that "humans invented the idea of creationism to feel special..that this whole big universe was created just to suit them perfectly and this was the product of humans' ego..that the whole world revolves around them some how" He can't even remember how he came across the article or why..its not like he was questioning anything or that he even wanted to know more
"it’s a funny thing when you loose your faith in a grand design" the song on the radio played..by this time he was in his car headed to work..he muted the song agitated..that even made his thoughts go louder
He tried to drown his ideas by going around the office trying to get as much work done as possible and acting busy as if he can fool his own brain.
"Do you know what that means?! Do you know how lonely would that make us..all?!" He resisted the poisonous idea with these questions as he looked at his colleague..she seemed oblivious to such notions as she was chatting with her friends..he wondered if this crazy idea had ever crossed this pretty head of hers.
He knew that he cant discuss his thoughts with ANYONE..not only because what people would say or the fact that he would instantly be socially shunned but also he was afraid to utter these thoughts..if they come out of his mouth and he hears them..they would sound even more true and maybe logical! And this scared him!
Maho if love doesn’t exist (which is a conclusion he reached years ago after several failed relationships) and friendship is not really forever (he knows better being backstabbed by several) and family are a bunch of people who are meant to drive you crazy because they are the ones who know how to push your buttons more than anyone else..and most of the time "work" is a joke(there's no changing the world for him anymore) and now this! The most sacred unshakeable truth! Then what is there to live for? Why bother wake up in the morning at all?! Why are we all here and this idea opens a whole world of unanswered questions that could and probably would drive him crazy!!!
"You can't handle the truth" another quote from another movie resounded in his head..so what should he do..why not give in to the fact that even if its an illusion..its better to believe in..no,that’s not good enough for him.."Doubt" has never been good enough
He couldn't possibly knowingly give in to an illusion!
Why not?! Isn’t love an illusion..happiness an illusion..even life itself feels like an illusion of a life..what isn't an illusion anyway?! Illusions make life go around..make life bearable and even enjoyable.
Drugs are not only the stuff one can sniff or drink or swallow..ideas can be more powerful than drugs..and more desperately needed at times!
As he sat with his friends at a local bar at the end of the day having drinks and exchanging jokes..he thought of how hard it would be for any of them to guess what he was thinking and he envied how easy it seemed for them to be untroubled with these thoughts..this virus that makes him feel how "unspecial" they are..or even the whole universe is at that "unspecial" moment
He seemed to be possessed by an idea that controlled his head..he doesn't even know where did it come from or how suddenly it became pressing and crystal clear and scarily probable!
"An idea is like a virus that infects a brain and gets hold of it" he heard that quote in a movie that he couldn’t remember at 6 a.m. but he knew he was infected.
An idea that he read about probably days ago about creationism it was maybe even implicitly stated in the article that "humans invented the idea of creationism to feel special..that this whole big universe was created just to suit them perfectly and this was the product of humans' ego..that the whole world revolves around them some how" He can't even remember how he came across the article or why..its not like he was questioning anything or that he even wanted to know more
"it’s a funny thing when you loose your faith in a grand design" the song on the radio played..by this time he was in his car headed to work..he muted the song agitated..that even made his thoughts go louder
He tried to drown his ideas by going around the office trying to get as much work done as possible and acting busy as if he can fool his own brain.
"Do you know what that means?! Do you know how lonely would that make us..all?!" He resisted the poisonous idea with these questions as he looked at his colleague..she seemed oblivious to such notions as she was chatting with her friends..he wondered if this crazy idea had ever crossed this pretty head of hers.
He knew that he cant discuss his thoughts with ANYONE..not only because what people would say or the fact that he would instantly be socially shunned but also he was afraid to utter these thoughts..if they come out of his mouth and he hears them..they would sound even more true and maybe logical! And this scared him!
Maho if love doesn’t exist (which is a conclusion he reached years ago after several failed relationships) and friendship is not really forever (he knows better being backstabbed by several) and family are a bunch of people who are meant to drive you crazy because they are the ones who know how to push your buttons more than anyone else..and most of the time "work" is a joke(there's no changing the world for him anymore) and now this! The most sacred unshakeable truth! Then what is there to live for? Why bother wake up in the morning at all?! Why are we all here and this idea opens a whole world of unanswered questions that could and probably would drive him crazy!!!
"You can't handle the truth" another quote from another movie resounded in his head..so what should he do..why not give in to the fact that even if its an illusion..its better to believe in..no,that’s not good enough for him.."Doubt" has never been good enough
He couldn't possibly knowingly give in to an illusion!
Why not?! Isn’t love an illusion..happiness an illusion..even life itself feels like an illusion of a life..what isn't an illusion anyway?! Illusions make life go around..make life bearable and even enjoyable.
Drugs are not only the stuff one can sniff or drink or swallow..ideas can be more powerful than drugs..and more desperately needed at times!
As he sat with his friends at a local bar at the end of the day having drinks and exchanging jokes..he thought of how hard it would be for any of them to guess what he was thinking and he envied how easy it seemed for them to be untroubled with these thoughts..this virus that makes him feel how "unspecial" they are..or even the whole universe is at that "unspecial" moment
Maybe if she didn't have a kersh!
"Maybe if she didn’t have a kersh she wouldn't have been dumped again for the…time, she lost track counting; probably for a flat tummy girl" she kept thinking while driving her car and taking glances at her obvious kersh.
Maybe if she didn't have a kersh she would have chosen better boyfriends than the losers she has been dating who treat her like..like nothing but a girl with a kersh!!!
Maybe if she didn't have a kersh she would have had more attention growing up from her family than her prettier cousin and that would have made crave less for anyone who'd care.
Maybe if she didn't have a kersh she wouldn’t have had to study so hard to prove adequate as her boy peers or pretty girly colleagues. Maybe if she didn't have a kersh she would have had more friends growing up and she wouldn’t have isolated herself with her books that she loved more than friends and she wouldn’t have had to wear glasses early on because of it. And now she is a girl with a kersh and eyeglasses.
Maybe if she didn't have a kersh she wouldn’t have resorted to reading and had books ruin life for her..made her question what other people took for granted..The kersh caused her to have a different opinion..oppose her parents ideals and her society's values..questioned life's most sacred ideas and caused her to stand out!
And now she is faced with the fact that no matter how much she reads..how much money she makes..what kind of education she gets or how successful she becomes..she will always be the girl with the "eyeglasses and the KERSH" nothing more!
It ruined the joy of the normal and caused her to aspire for the unacceptable..The kersh! She blames it all on the stupid flabby kersh!
Maybe if she didn't have a kersh she would have chosen better boyfriends than the losers she has been dating who treat her like..like nothing but a girl with a kersh!!!
Maybe if she didn't have a kersh she would have had more attention growing up from her family than her prettier cousin and that would have made crave less for anyone who'd care.
Maybe if she didn't have a kersh she wouldn’t have had to study so hard to prove adequate as her boy peers or pretty girly colleagues. Maybe if she didn't have a kersh she would have had more friends growing up and she wouldn’t have isolated herself with her books that she loved more than friends and she wouldn’t have had to wear glasses early on because of it. And now she is a girl with a kersh and eyeglasses.
Maybe if she didn't have a kersh she wouldn’t have resorted to reading and had books ruin life for her..made her question what other people took for granted..The kersh caused her to have a different opinion..oppose her parents ideals and her society's values..questioned life's most sacred ideas and caused her to stand out!
And now she is faced with the fact that no matter how much she reads..how much money she makes..what kind of education she gets or how successful she becomes..she will always be the girl with the "eyeglasses and the KERSH" nothing more!
It ruined the joy of the normal and caused her to aspire for the unacceptable..The kersh! She blames it all on the stupid flabby kersh!
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