She was terrified to hold her brush..she would escape it, she wouldn’t even look at it. She'd get herself busy doing anything, praying she’d lose it. Yes, she draws portrays and yes, she has no problem drawing landscape but when she is finally on her own she doesn’t want to even come near her paint brush.
She sat there, looked at it and felt as if the paint brush looked back. She was anxious and scared, she was scared that when she starts painting all the feelings she is trying hard to repress would overwhelm her and her heart would break.. again.
Finally she thought she’d get it over with.. it had to happen sometime..so she grabbed the brush stood facing the empty chart as if she is standing up to some scary monster , with a challenging expression on her face and a strong will. Holding the brush firmly then she just froze and what she was scared of the most happened..she broke into tears..Started crying..couldn’t stop..as if it happened yesterday not months ago..crying..sobbing.
She didn’t know she loved him that much
She stood up again..refusing to be that weak..and started painting..started with shades of red..painting in rage..painting hatred and anger..like a caged tiger..she painted to show him how she loathes him..how disappointed she is..how she is still strong and standing tall with her head high as if he was never there
But then she falls apart again..grabs the white and the blue..grabs the colors that used to remind her of him..grabs the colors he used to wear..the color of his eyes and that of his skin..the color of the songs they used to listen to..the colors that painted their memories.
Burgundy..blue..white..brown..dark blue..red..suddenly she remembers..she remebers everything..she remembers silly stuff..small stuff..random things..significant memories..everything that there is to remember
She didn’t know she loved him that much
She cries so hard and paints with all her soul..she knew she loved him..why else would she stay for five years..but it’s just a freaking relationship she should have gotten over him by now..she should have moved on..it ended..it’s sad but it’s over..she won’t die..life isn’t even close to over…
She didn’t know she loved him that much
She didn’t know she’d miss him that much..she didn’t know he’d leave behind all that void..she didnt know it would hurt that much..it hurts..it physically hurts..crushing her chest bones..squeezing her heart..as if a part of her is being cut off..every night…
She didn’t know she loved him that much
It came as a surprise to her..all the flashbacks..everyday..all day..can’t control them..can’t stop them..too much memories..as if she is haunted..it’s almost scary..little things act as reminders..stupid things..a street they once walked by..a song..a movie or even an expression
She finds herself watching the movies she used to hate but he loved..listening to the songs that he used to cause her a headache with..things that she had to do when she was with him now she does with outmost pleasure..maybe even the only things that make her happy now that everything feels so ordinary and uninteresting
She didn’t know she loved him that much
She finds herself laughing about something and reaching for the phone to tell him about it..or a piece of gossip or someone she wants to mock and she looks beside her and he isn’t there..she remembers..she remembers he’s gone.
She didn’t know she loved him that much
She didn’t know when she lost him..she lost her best friend..her man..her lover..her father..her brother..her mentor she thought she thought what’s one less boyfriend..the worst part is that she feels she lost her baby..he wasn’t perfect but he was her baby..her own..part of her..her stubborn big baby..with his flaws and imperfections..he made her happy and proud.
See..she didn’t know she loved him that much..she didn’t know he meant the world to her
She can never forgive..it’s over and she knows it but now she also knows that she loved him more than she thought she did..it’s confusing and its wrecking her.
She looks at the painting and ponders on the revelation she just made..her heart breaks and she feels the physical heartache..breathing becomes so hard and its almost as if she is dying..she is not crying..she looks at the painting
She looks at the painting and ponders on the revelation she just made..her heart breaks and she feels the physical heartache..breathing becomes so hard and its almost as if she is dying..she is not crying..she looks at the painting
The painting becomes him..she painted every little thing that reminds her of him..every small detail..she started with hatred and ended with deep strong love..the kind that she never knew she’d encounter in her life.
Where to go from here..most probably nowhere..she stopped painting..the brush fell from her hand and she sat still..the music in her head and the smell fills the air around her..the taste in her mouth as if she is reliving a memory and the pain gets stronger but she can’t move a muscle..she is just gonna stay there for a while..she will be sitting here for a while…
She closes her eyes and mumbles to herself ..I didn’t know..I didn’t know I loved him that much
