Thursday, November 25, 2010

The letter

It was very crowded and everyone was running around. There were people from the media, press, T.V. and some activists I guess, they were holding banners. I felt and looked Lost. I have never been to such gatherings before and it was all a bit strange to me.

I made sure that I have the letter with me, I reminded myself of what I was doing here, took a deep breath and went over to the guy next to me " law sma7t kont 3yza 2a2bel el ostaz Nasser Thabet..2al2eh fen?" The guy looked at me in surprise and he answered with sarcasm " Ostaz Naser haytla3 ye2ol elbayan el so7afy dlw2ty..te2dary tetfadly w ted7'oly tesm3eeh" and he left.

I really needed to talk to him.. I had to give him the letter..I promised my aunt. Everyone was running around and I didn’t know what to do so I thought maybe I should attend the press conference and then try to meet him after.

I went into the room full of people..they looked like they were from all backgrounds. Some of them looked very elegant and made up and others looked very simple and there were some foreigners. Some faces looked familiar but I wasn’t into politics much so didn't recognize most of the people.

And then He came out and stood on the podium. Almost instantly everyone went quiet..there was Something about him..definetly!

He took the stage and it was like he filled the room with his energy. He had a certain Charisma and confidence that was radiant. He started talking and everyone listened.

He talked with such passion about the people, the country, poverty, democracy and things that I didn't quite get. He made a joke everyone laughed and when he frowned it seemed that everyone felt the pain of his words. He worked the audience like a magician and they were all in awe including me. I wondered whether my aunt really fell in love with him and I wondered how he was in his twenties.

After the press conference, it seemed that everyone wanted to talk to him and the press was all over him. All I wanted to do is just hand him the letter.

I waited for almost an hour in the corner looking around at all the different people. It was clear I didn’t belong here, I thought of leaving and maybe just mail it to him but my aunt asked me to give it to him by hand.

After almost two hours he went and sat in a chair surrounded by only two or three people who could have been some of his supporters and he talked so loudly that I almost heard him repeating parts of his speech as I approached.

My heart pounded as I came closer..there was something about this man that made me very nervous..good nervous if there's such a thing!

"Ostaz Nasser" I called..he turned his head looked at me and He gave me the Most amazing smile I have ever seen..I was enchanted.."away ana" he said

I explained that I wanted to talk to him in private about something of vital importance while avoiding looking at his big blue eyes.

The man was in his fifties and he had white hair and blue eyes and was extremely charming even for a girl in her twenties!

He came with me even though he looked a bit skeptic..we sat together in a corner and he insisted to buy me something to drink..and the he asked "2oleley..3yzany fe eh b2a?"

I stuttered as I tried to explain the situation and tried to remind him of my aunt which wasn't easy especially that I know nothing of the details of their relation. But once I said her name his face elated and he said" yaaaaaaaaaaaaah..hya 3mla eh dlw2ty?" and he gave me one of his endearing smiles "tesda2y feeky shabah kbeer hya b2a kanet thawrgya 3nek"

"allah yer7mha" I said " she passed away recently and before she died she gave me this letter and asked me to make sure that its handed to you personally"

His face was turned from a smiling one to stunned and then to deep sadness and concern..I don't know exactly what they had but the news of her death seemed to really sadden him

"Was she sick?" he asked "Yes, she has been struggling with cancer for years" I answered with a sad voice. He took the letter and looked at it for a couple of minutes and looked at me. I assured him that no one knows the content of the letter as she made me promise that no one would open it but him.

When I was about to leave..he asked me to stay while he read the letter..he said having someone who reminded him so much of her may make it easier.

He opened the letter and started reading it with his face giving all kinds of expressions. At a moment he almost laughed and then he frowned and at the end I thought I saw a tear in his eyes.

He looked at me with rather teary eyes and suddenly he was no longer the fifty year old charismatic man..he was the charming twenty something year old dreamer who must have known my aunt back then. He took my hand and said "I never told you..err..your aunt how a beautiful woman she really is..err..was"

I was touched but before I had the chance to say anything someone came to us..i think maybe his son and looked at us holding hands with surprise. That’s when ostaz Nasser left my hand and awkwardly introduced us. I took my bag and told him that I had to I was leaving he called my aunts name so I looked back and he said "Thank you" with the most amazing smile anyone can ever see.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

الخيط الرفيع

She was shiny and men like shiny things.

She was beaming..something about urge..irresistible urge he just had to have her..msh 3aref have as in eh exactly bas he had to HAVE her!

He tried..worked hard..bore his heart out..insisted..showed persistence and perseverance..swore he was different..showed that he was different and then swore some more

She was shiny..independent..confident..interesting..different..she didn't need him!

And he needed to have all men he loves shiny things

Gradually she started to loose her a candle coming to an end or a gas bulb running out of what fueled it..she was running out of life

She turned out to be just as needy and as clingy..bored longer the one that stands out with the beautiful dress and the admirable laugh..she!

She became dependent and weak..her misery made her weak and weak to him is pathetic!

Ordinary to him is dull..and dull to him is unwanted and he just had to get rid of her!

7'alas she no longer shines..and he is only interested in shiny things

"من الصعب أن نتبين الخيط الرفيع الذي يفصل بين الحب وغريزة التملك ، فإن الحب مقرون دائمًا بحب التملك فكل من يحب يتمنى أن يمتلك من يحب ، وقد تتحقق أمنيته ، فتكتمل له عناصر الحب ، فإذا لم تتحقق يبقى الحب ناقصًا أحد عناصره ، ولكنه يبقى . . فالتملك عنصر من عناصر الحب . . لكن الحب ليس دائمًا عنصرًا من عناصر التملك ، فإنك تستطيع أن تمتلك دون أن تحب . . كل ما هنالك أن غريزة التملك قد تشتد بك ، وتعصف بنفسيتك حتى يخيل إليك أنك تحب ! وهذا هو الخيط الرفيع" ! ! إحسان عبد القدوس

Friday, October 22, 2010

Make Me Beautiful

No wonder people spend thousands of pounds, undergo treacherous procedures, and endure unbearable pain just to be beautiful; to fit into the rigorous standards of beauty. This is far from vain or shallow or whatever judgmental analysis the so called "smart" people would tell you while they themselves wish for more beauty.

It’s a power play

You tell me what is power has to do with anything?! I tell you Beauty is Power

Smart is is power..being smart And beautiful..well, you do the math

And its all about power! Power is is intoxicating. .to be seen rather than feeling invisible most of the enter a room filled with people and find all eyes on see them hanging on your every know that they know that you are different..that they hold you in a higher see admiration in their eyes..that you are not like are are far more beautiful and beauty has to be is sacred in all cultures and all has to be served, protected and cared for

When people listen to you..when they are interested when you see and feel your influence on them instantly..whether they fear you or respect you or love you or just feel that they have to without a reason

Beauty is power

She knows that quite well..everytime she looks in the she carefully chooses her clothes or spends most of her money on her hair and makeup or watches what she eats..its because she knows she needs this power..the power of beauty..

She read once about a stripper who loved her job because she felt her power on men firsthand and she got addicted to seeing them hanging on her every move while she is feeling extremely empowered..

She needs people to listen..and they listen more to a pretty mouth painted red..she needs them to see and they'd rather look to a pretty face..the click of her heel makes them know she is definitely there..the smell of her perfume fills their senses and validates her existence..

Humans are is power..she needs that..let her "smart" friends say whatever they want about her superficiality! She takes a last long look at the mirror..and off she goes!

Friday, October 8, 2010

When love is no longer blind...

When love is no longer blind and you can finally see..its shocking really!
You suddenly notice things that were there all long but you were too blind to realize that he is:

Too short
A poor dresser
I never really liked his taste in anything..idnt think he ever had a taste to begin with

He's too thin
Too fat
Too ugly
Too pretty for me

I never really liked his glasses
I hated his phone
I hated his house
I hated his car
I hated his hangouts
I hated his friends
I hate his hair

He never answered
He called too much
He didn't give me my space
He gave me too much space

He freaked out
He freaked Me out

He wore the same shoes almost everytime we went out!
He changed his shoes more than I did!

He was too immaculate when it comes to his clothes
He wasn't presentable
He was too organized
He was chaotic

He asked too many questions
He never asked me about my day!
He was too smart
He wasn't smart enough
He never got me
He knew me too well

I liked him too much
I didn't like him enough
He was too loud
He was cold
He was distant
He was too hot headed and he had a temper
He cheated
He kept looking at other women
He was too fixated on me

He was Never honest
He was brutally honest

He was too tall
He thought I was fat
He wanted me to gain more weight

He thought I wasn't smart
He thought I was too smart
He thought I was too short
"if only I were a bit shorter" he used to say
He thought I was too conservative
He thought I was too liberal
He hated my friends
He wished I was more like my friends
He never even met my friends!

He was too kind
He was too sweet
He was too detached
He was too unpredictable
He was SO predictable

And the list goes on…

Bottom line..suddenly he is stripped down to..just a guy and just a guy is not good enough!

Friday, October 1, 2010

Cruelty is not a crime..boredom is

(A girl enters..lights off..complete darkness..only spot light on her..she sits down and talks directly to the audience)

You will never understand…

I know he doesn’t love me

But who needs love when you get excitement! When you don’t have a guy that will BORE you absolutely out of your head with his ridiculous stories about which car he prefers or his tedious day to day experiences

Who needs love when you get a man who can take you out of this hideous world..who gives meaning to your insignificant life..who is truly interesting

Who needs love when you get witty conversations..intelligent understanding and smooth communication

Who needs love when you get adventure..when are around a free spirit..when it seems like the secrets of life unfold whenever you are both present in a room

Who needs love when you've got passion..when you've got desire..when you've got thrill

Well I most certainly don't!

I know he sleeps around

Why do I care?! Most of the men if not all of them who are in relationships least his honest about least I know and approve of it and not a complete fool like others..maybe even in this room

A monogamous relationship is a naïve dream of a fairy tale of a school girl..a false fact that we've been raised to believe in just to grow up and grow out of it like most of our teenage beliefs

I know we will Never get married

Well I stopped believing in marriage a while ago..a social obligation that doesn't agree with me just like fancy dinner parties..pretentious and not genuine where everyone acts as if they are happy while in fact of course they are not!

See I don't really envy married fact I pitty them..chained and helpless

How so boring and so unnatural to decide on staying with someone for life..its more of a prison..never really understood weddings either..what is there to celebrate anyway..all the expenses and the fuss and for what?!

My friends think I am crazy or that he is some sort of a self-destructive habit I have

Maybe its true..but we all have our destructive habits and guilty pleasures that we fall entirely in love with..some of us eat..others smoke or drink or indulge in sex or who knows what?!

I have him!

Don't you think I haven't tried to do it "your" date and engage in serious relationships with the various men that have been wholeheartedly "recommended" for me?!

Ohh I tried..I tried SO hard..but if I lived with one of those "safe" guys I could DIE! Die of boredom..they could suck the life right out of me with their monotonous voice and their righteous attitude and their one dimensional view of everything..of LIFE!

Its with these men..a Pale shade of grey!

"Cruelty is not a crime..boredom is"

Heard it once in a movie..a woman said it..a writer who had been in a relationship with her lover for years and never got married..trying to explain it to her narrow minded friend..who never understood just like you will never do..But I did and I relate!

(te2om mn 3la el korsy fag2a be3asbya mobala3' feha ledrget en el korsy yo2a3 w tez3a2)

W B3DEN WENTO MALKO ASLAN?!!!!!! Ma3ml ely ana 3yza f 7yaty?!!! Beted7'lo leh?!!! (teshwa7 be 2edeha) 3ashan sa3dty maslan ( w ted7ak be so7'rya)

LA2!!! Mesh 7a2e2y..ento mayhmkoosh ab2a sa3eeda wla la2..ento bas 3yzny a3ml zayko w 7' want me to conform..3shan lma betla2o 7ad bey3ml 7aga mo7'talefa betatro tes2lo nafsko!!! And NOOOO you don't want would never want to question your values or beliefs..this is too scary for you!!!

And who said I am not happy?! I admit there comes a time when I cry endlessly and I feel like the world is crashing down one me when he decides to disappear for monthes..but it all vanishes when I see him..But you will never get it..

I told will never ever understand…

Lights out

Saturday, September 25, 2010

The Falafel man and the working woman

She is looking for her watch..she has to find her watch..she wears it everyday to work and she cant get out of the door without it..without her watch she looses the sense of time and she can’t afford to do that! Time is of the essence..time is everything..time is life! She heard before of a native American tribe that never really knew what time is!!! She has always wondered how they organized their lives..the notion seemed unbelievable..she hurried out of the building while wearing her watch and went right past the falafel man.

The Falafel man
“She is man!” Thought the falafel man as he was cleaning his kiosk! How and why on earth would a woman wake up this early everyday for years to work..not missing a day?! She started looking and walking like a man too..I mean look at her..he watched her transformation everyday over the years from a made up girl with heels and a sharp look..head held up high..every step seemed to be calculated..wearing dresses and skirts looking as a dream as 50’s women used to look like with hair all made up.. to this! Flat shoes..her hair all around the place..big shirts and tired tired eyes! And yet she never seemed to be tired just ever so..manly! He looked at her eyes for a second as he looked away he thought “she must be a man”!

The working woman
When the falafel guy looked at her this morning something was different! Not that he harassed her with his morning looks that she grew accustomed to on the contrary he looked at her in a different way..almost indifferent! She didn’t really get it but she found herself automatically checking herself out to see if something looks weird..she looked at her ugly shoes..never really liked them but they are comfy..just what she needs as she chases around taxis when her car breaks down (which usually happens) like today! Her brother wrecked it..again as usual!
She had a smile on her face as she adjusted her bun remembering that a year ago she would have never thought she would be going out of the house with a bun..a big shapeless shirt and ugly shoes! But good luck going to the coiffeur when u have a 9 to 5 job (that u barely leave at 5) where u have to compete fiercely to prove that you are Not a “girl” and a postgraduate education to pursue in an environment that is not exactly education friendly to say the least!
Good luck finding time to shop..she’d rather sleep! She laughed at that thought remembering how she used to feel like she’d kill to get a pair of shoes she liked just a couple of years ago..she smiled and looked across the street..her reflection in a car mirror stopped her..she almost didn’t recognize it! No these weren’t 10 years of age that did this to her..only 5 years on the job and in this city!

A fat ugly bitch

"A fat ugly bitch"..I wrote in a piece of paper as I looked in the mirror..thats what I honestly really thought of exaggeration here

Of course that wasn’t what I told the reporter when he asked me whether or not I am satisfied with what I have accomplished so that point I assured him that I am..I am blessed in every way

But when I cam home I just knew that I have to face myself somehow and say the truth at least to my own reflection in the I looked I saw a fat ugly..and yes bitch!

Why am I so hesitant to admit it..for who is a bitch? someone who sells her body for money..well what about who sells her soul? Her thoughts..her beliefs and convictions..for who ever pays more..for social acceptance..for climbing the social ladder..for whatever reasons deemed necessary..for the body is only the vessel engulfing what's more least a bitch may get the faint chance to keep her soul intact or even speak her mind..retain her freedom of thought..but I have sold the rights to those long ago

I am a doubt about it..what happened earlier this night proves I sat there in the studio interviewing a government official for the pilot of my first show..fulfilling my dream..i knew how it must feel to sell yourself

Its not like I didn't do it before..going through jobs..academic certificates..political affiliations..always had to give a tiny part of myself every time

Its far simpler than you'd think..its not the big life changing choices starts with a smile to a joke you don't really like..then agreeing to an opinion you don't believe in for the sake of courtesy..then you get too tired to fight for your beliefs..convince yourself that maybe they are right and find evidence to prove it..defend an opinion that you don't believe in..then it becomes your whole become increasingly pragmatic..focus on the ends instead of means..all of these incremental minor slight sacrifices sneak up on you..believeing that you can go back anytime whenever you want

Till you find yourself in that seat asking a government official about a huge corruption scandal that you happen to know its every detail and the hear the most naïve justification that’s is entirely false will you shake your head in encouraging agreement and a smile

At that point I felt violated..i felt that I was letting go of myself like I have read that whores do during sex when they sell their bodies to any random man who can afford it..who would stoop that low..and after we finished..the was gone

I didn't get my soul fleeted..and what remains of me is a reflection in the mirror of a fat ugly bitch who is seemingly to you beautiful successful and well bred!