A fat ugly bitch

"A fat ugly bitch"..I wrote in a piece of paper as I looked in the mirror..thats what I honestly really thought of myself..no exaggeration here

Of course that wasn’t what I told the reporter when he asked me whether or not I am satisfied with what I have accomplished so far..at that point I assured him that I am..I am blessed in every way

But when I cam home I just knew that I have to face myself somehow and say the truth at least to my own reflection in the mirror..as I looked I saw a fat ugly..and yes bitch!

Why am I so hesitant to admit it..for who is a bitch? someone who sells her body for money..well what about who sells her soul? Her thoughts..her beliefs and convictions..for who ever pays more..for social acceptance..for climbing the social ladder..for whatever reasons deemed necessary..for the body is only the vessel engulfing what's more precious..at least a bitch may get the faint chance to keep her soul intact or even speak her mind..retain her freedom of thought..but I have sold the rights to those long ago

I am a bitch..no doubt about it..what happened earlier this night proves it..as I sat there in the studio interviewing a government official for the pilot of my first show..fulfilling my dream..i knew how it must feel to sell yourself

Its not like I didn't do it before..going through jobs..academic certificates..political affiliations..always had to give a tiny part of myself every time

Its far simpler than you'd think..its not the big life changing choices really..it starts with a smile to a joke you don't really like..then agreeing to an opinion you don't believe in for the sake of courtesy..then you get too tired to fight for your beliefs..convince yourself that maybe they are right and find evidence to prove it..defend an opinion that you don't believe in..then it becomes your whole conviction..you become increasingly pragmatic..focus on the ends instead of means..all of these incremental minor slight sacrifices sneak up on you..believeing that you can go back anytime whenever you want

Till you find yourself in that seat..my seat asking a government official about a huge corruption scandal that you happen to know its every detail and the hear the most naïve justification that’s is entirely false will you shake your head in encouraging agreement and a smile

At that point I felt violated..i felt that I was letting go of myself like I have read that whores do during sex when they sell their bodies to any random man who can afford it..who would stoop that low..and after we finished..the interview..it was gone

I didn't get my soul back..it fleeted..and what remains of me is a reflection in the mirror of a fat ugly bitch who is seemingly to you beautiful successful and well bred!