I will die tomorrow

I will die tomorrow..it is decided then. It surprised me how easy it was..its as if I am deciding on what to wear tomorrow for work..even that sometimes gets far more confusing. This decision came naturally to me..as if it has already been decided and all I am doing is mere acceptance of the fact that..I will die tomorrow.

To tell you the truth that was the only comforting thought I had all day and only after I took this decision I was able to get some sleep knowing that I wont have to take this pain for long..only till tomorrow.

The plan was simple..I will wake up get dressed go to work and then on my way back pass by a pharmacy, probably the one near my house; and get a pack of antidepressants then go home and take them and sleep..never to wake up..to end this madness once and for all and to find relief and maybe even peace.

Why go to work then?! The thought seemed funny..knowing that I won't be here next week then maybe I should just skip work..but I don't want any dramatic exists..I don't want to break my routine or let anyone suspect anything..I will carry out my day normally and so it was..

I woke up knowing that maybe that’s my last morning and to be honest the thought made me smile..I was never a morning person anyway. I took a few minutes trying to pick what to wear..got dressed and went off to work..I laughed and talked and maybe even had a good day..but while I was working with my colleagues I wondered what they would say when they hear the news tomorrow?! Its amazing how most of the people who I felt concerned about their reactions are very random people or who you can call acquaintances rather than family or close friends…

I didn’t want anyone to blame themselves for my decision..I didn't want anyone to make assumption and speculate reasons..I knew that no one would understand..

On my way back I stood in the pharmacy and asked for a medication I know..they pharmacist looked at me suspiciously for a minute and I was really worried that he would ask me for a prescription which I don't have..so I looked away..then he gave it to me..its as if he didn't care..and why should he?!

I went home..smiled at the door..had dinner with my family..went to my room to change..then sat on the bed looking at the pills with a bottle of water on the side..

Will I go to hell?! Maybe..why? Did I hurt anyone..well this question will lead to a futile discussion with myself that I don't need right now..I can only hope that I don't..how I wish I could just evaporate..vanish in thin air!

I wont leave any notes or apologies or explanations..I don't owe anyone anything! Will my family and friends be hurt? Probably yes but I am hurt too and I can't live for them forever..if they really loved me they would let me go

I was very calm..I wasn't crying..I mean why would I?! I didn't even feel sad or troubled..it seemed like the best decision I have ever made..one that I should have made a long time ago..